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Footage Not Found My name is Courtney.

I live in Minneapolis.

Posts tagged important movies

A condensed filmography for Cuba Gooding, Jr. post-Academy Award win: Snow Dogs (2002) Boat Trip (2003) Norbit (2007) Daddy Day Care (2007) 11 Direct-to-DVD movies (2006-2012)  This Hallmark Hall of Fame movie (2012)  At this rate he’ll being playing the Tin Man in Mrs. Carpenter’s sixth grade production of The Wizard of Oz at P.S. 149 in Queens sometime in the fall semester of 2014.

A condensed filmography for Cuba Gooding, Jr. post-Academy Award win:

  • Snow Dogs (2002)
  • Boat Trip (2003)
  • Norbit (2007)
  • Daddy Day Care (2007)
  • 11 Direct-to-DVD movies (2006-2012) 
  • This Hallmark Hall of Fame movie (2012) 

At this rate he’ll being playing the Tin Man in Mrs. Carpenter’s sixth grade production of The Wizard of Oz at P.S. 149 in Queens sometime in the fall semester of 2014.

Posted April 26, 2012 at 10:50 am 13 notes

#important movies#the black johnny drama

OK, I’m obviously not a screenwriter, but let me see if I can piece together what is going on in this scene based only on having seen the previous 14 “American Pie” movies. Jim was innocently surfing the internet. Probably for something like “how to be a better daddy,” because he is a new father and he wants the best for his kid. A Google search of “how to be a better daddy,” returned a result for something like, “NaughtyDaddysGirls.com,” which Jim simply cannot resist. LOL! Jim gets up off the bed to make sure no one is home, calls out whatever the band camp girls name is a few times, and decides the coast is clear. LOLOL!! Jim grabs a tube sock out of the dresser. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS FOR! (semen) LOLOLOL!! Jim clicks on the porn link while placing the sock over his wiener. OMG. LOLZ! Jim masturbates furiously while the sounds of internet porn fill the entire house. ROFLSAURUS! Band camp girl comes home. But she has also brought her mother! ZOMG! NO!! They walk in on Jim jackin’ it to porn. JACKPOT! Jim can’t get the sock off his dick for some reason, like the tube sock has teeth, so he runs around the room with a sock on his boner while his wife, daughter, and mother-in-law scream! WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH STUFF? HIJINKS! The scene ends with Jim’s dad having a heart-to-heart with Jim about how you shouldn’t masturbate in front of your mother-in-law. We all learn a valuable lesson. A lesson about how these Jim masturbation scenes never grow old, right??!! I can’t wait for “American Mid-life Crisis!” And there you have it, a scene that someone probably got paid very well to write. Obviously that MFA paid off for someone who isn’t me. Hilarious.

OK, I’m obviously not a screenwriter, but let me see if I can piece together what is going on in this scene based only on having seen the previous 14 “American Pie” movies.

  1. Jim was innocently surfing the internet. Probably for something like “how to be a better daddy,” because he is a new father and he wants the best for his kid.
  2. A Google search of “how to be a better daddy,” returned a result for something like, “NaughtyDaddysGirls.com,” which Jim simply cannot resist. LOL!
  3. Jim gets up off the bed to make sure no one is home, calls out whatever the band camp girls name is a few times, and decides the coast is clear. LOLOL!!
  4. Jim grabs a tube sock out of the dresser. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS FOR! (semen) LOLOLOL!!
  5. Jim clicks on the porn link while placing the sock over his wiener. OMG. LOLZ!
  6. Jim masturbates furiously while the sounds of internet porn fill the entire house. ROFLSAURUS!
  7. Band camp girl comes home. But she has also brought her mother! ZOMG! NO!!
  8. They walk in on Jim jackin’ it to porn. JACKPOT!
  9. Jim can’t get the sock off his dick for some reason, like the tube sock has teeth, so he runs around the room with a sock on his boner while his wife, daughter, and mother-in-law scream! WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH STUFF? HIJINKS!
  10. The scene ends with Jim’s dad having a heart-to-heart with Jim about how you shouldn’t masturbate in front of your mother-in-law. We all learn a valuable lesson. A lesson about how these Jim masturbation scenes never grow old, right??!! I can’t wait for “American Mid-life Crisis!”

And there you have it, a scene that someone probably got paid very well to write. Obviously that MFA paid off for someone who isn’t me. Hilarious.

Posted March 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm 30 notes

#important movies

Guys. GUYS! I think this year might be the 10th anniversary of the release of the American classic “Boat Trip.” Or maybe it isn’t. IMDB says 2002, but Rotten Tomatoes says 2003. This is all very confusing. Actually, who cares what year it was released, let’s just celebrate this movie for the next two years to be safe.  Sound good? Great, I’m glad we’re all in agreement. Now, on the off chance you aren’t familiar with this film; here is a quick summary of the plot complements of Wikipedia.  No, wait…I’m not going to paste the whole thing in here because it must be 250 words and ugh, TL;DR, amirite? Here is a general plot summary, presented with no context, and not necessarily in order: Jerry (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Nick (Horatio Sanz) are two best buddies whose love lives have hit rock bottom….things do not go as planned though, after a vengeful travel agent books them on a cruise for gay men….they come to learn that gay men are less objectionable than they first assumed…Jerry falls in love with the cruise’s dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez)… he pretends to be gay…in the end, Jerry wins Gabriella while Nick loses out on Inga…he is then reunited with Sonya, much to his disgust and irritation, and Sonya’s happiness and arousal. LOLS, RIGHT?! I know! It has everything you could ask for in a movie. Mild to extreme homophobia, fat Horatio Sanz, that guy who yelled a lot in Jerry Maguire, dozens of women who have made 3 or more appearances in Playboy between 1994-1998, more homophobia, some hetero stuff and Vivica A. Fox. Surprisingly, “Boat Trip” is currently only tracking at 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. I say “currently” because you never know when another rave review might trickle in, especially during this 24-month long celebration of its 10th anniversary.  And I didn’t want to get all braggy, but I think it is important that you all have an opportunity to read the 6 positive reviews the movie did get, one of which compares Cuba Gooding Jr to Sir Laurence Olivier, which seems like a rather obvious comparison to me, but whatever:   If you still aren’t convinced, I’ll just leave you with this screencap that I think really captures the majesty, the humor, and originality of “Boat Trip.”   It is a girl simulating fellatio on a banana. Bwahahahahaha!!! This movie is totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Blowjob bananas.  10 stars! One for every year this wonderful film has been a part of our lives.

Guys. GUYS! I think this year might be the 10th anniversary of the release of the American classic “Boat Trip.” Or maybe it isn’t. IMDB says 2002, but Rotten Tomatoes says 2003. This is all very confusing. Actually, who cares what year it was released, let’s just celebrate this movie for the next two years to be safe.  Sound good? Great, I’m glad we’re all in agreement.

Now, on the off chance you aren’t familiar with this film; here is a quick summary of the plot complements of Wikipedia.  No, wait…I’m not going to paste the whole thing in here because it must be 250 words and ugh, TL;DR, amirite? Here is a general plot summary, presented with no context, and not necessarily in order:

Jerry (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Nick (Horatio Sanz) are two best buddies whose love lives have hit rock bottom….things do not go as planned though, after a vengeful travel agent books them on a cruise for gay men….they come to learn that gay men are less objectionable than they first assumed…Jerry falls in love with the cruise’s dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez)… he pretends to be gay…in the end, Jerry wins Gabriella while Nick loses out on Inga…he is then reunited with Sonya, much to his disgust and irritation, and Sonya’s happiness and arousal.

LOLS, RIGHT?! I know! It has everything you could ask for in a movie. Mild to extreme homophobia, fat Horatio Sanz, that guy who yelled a lot in Jerry Maguire, dozens of women who have made 3 or more appearances in Playboy between 1994-1998, more homophobia, some hetero stuff and Vivica A. Fox.

Surprisingly, “Boat Trip” is currently only tracking at 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. I say “currently” because you never know when another rave review might trickle in, especially during this 24-month long celebration of its 10th anniversary.  And I didn’t want to get all braggy, but I think it is important that you all have an opportunity to read the 6 positive reviews the movie did get, one of which compares Cuba Gooding Jr to Sir Laurence Olivier, which seems like a rather obvious comparison to me, but whatever:

 Photobucket

If you still aren’t convinced, I’ll just leave you with this screencap that I think really captures the majesty, the humor, and originality of “Boat Trip.”

 

Photobucket

It is a girl simulating fellatio on a banana. Bwahahahahaha!!! This movie is totally B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Blowjob bananas.  10 stars! One for every year this wonderful film has been a part of our lives.

Posted February 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm 15 notes

#important movies

Let’s catch up with the cast from the 1989 movie, UHF, because why not?

  1. Fran Drescher - Recently claimed to have been abducted by aliens and had a microchip implanted in her hand…which is whatever. The real insanity is how terrible her show, ”Happily Divorced,” really is.
  2. Michael Richards - Huge racist. Probably dead? Well, dead to me at least.
  3. Victoria Jackson - Huge racist. Definitely not dead. Current hobbies include hating brown people, hating gay people, hating poor people, and hating Muslim people of all colors! Cool life, Vic. Go stand in the corner until…well, forever.
  4. Weird Al Yankovic - THE ONLY NORMAL ONE IN THE BUNCH. Probably sitting around somewhere being awesome and not saying something crazy and/or racist.

Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:09 am 26 notes

#important movies

[Flash 10 is required to watch video]

So, remember about a month ago when I said I was going to watch the Brian Austin Green tour de force of hackneyed plotlines, Unwed Father? Well, I started watching it last night, and OMG you guys, it is really super not good. Surprise! I made it 4 minutes before I decided to go do something else. I will finish it; with tumblr as my witness, I will triumph over this Lifetime Movie Channel melting plot of slut-shaming and gender clichés, and I will fart out 500 words or less about the experience, but until then, here is 60 seconds of the first four minutes that I absolutely love for the following reasons:

  • Brian Austin Green is in an emo-grunge band. EMO GRUNGE. It’s like the worst of everything in the late nineties came together in one place just to make me happy.
  • The three girls, of which one I assume will become the mother of the bastard emo-grunge child, show up in a red Suzuki Sidekick (not pictured). I’m pretty sure the movie execs at the Lifetime Movie Channel believe this is the epitome of a party car. I also assume the execs at Lifetime are 50-year-old men, so fine. The important message here is, red jeep = slut wagon.
  • This song makes me long for the days where David Silver rapped about mic checks and stuff. Is that guitar a prop or is he going to actually play it? When is he going to do the Roger Rabbit??
  • That girl is sketching a picture of a guy in a band. I’m sure this will be the ice breaker that will eventually end in an unwanted pregnancy. Great.
  • Her drunken friend thinks it is a good drawing. Shut up Drunky McHalfshirt. You are going to get your friend preggers!
  • Wow, the song is already over? Who writes a 58 second grunge ballad? I mean, maybe Creed would do something stupid like that?

Anyway, that is how the movie starts, so I can only imagine it will get much better, and a lot more dramatic, and comical because a guy taking care of an infant is LOL!, and I’m sure there will be a great deal of slut-shaming because that is essentially what Lifetime movies are about, slutty people having slutty premarital sex and instantly getting pregnant or murdered. I can’t wait.

Posted November 28, 2011 at 11:30 am 21 notes

#Brian Austin Green#important movies

A couple of things: This exists. And yes, I did just order a copy of it from Amazon, so you guys can look forward to a very important and very lengthy review of this thing. Genre: Inspiring, Tearjerker. Okay, sure. Fine! Super even. But they totally left out “Unitentionally hilarious.” I hate when things aren’t categorized correctly. I already wish this movie was a hip-hopera. Isn’t BAG just a cutie? He is because Lifetime told me his is! Hooray! Finding a baby on your step is totally a (surprise!) especially if you are a rocker…but not if you are a hair stylist. I hear that shit happens to those people all of the time.  Same with accountants. Holy shit I hope BAG is singing and dancing in this movie. He has to be right? I hope he isn’t too much of a rocker because I love hip-hopper BAG and hearing him cover Pantera would be unfortunate for everyone involved. Mom skips town, and Lifetime is just gleeful that dad is going to be the one dealing with diapers because men are the worst and they never do anything to help out with their progeny. Feminism?

A couple of things:

  1. This exists. And yes, I did just order a copy of it from Amazon, so you guys can look forward to a very important and very lengthy review of this thing.
  2. Genre: Inspiring, Tearjerker. Okay, sure. Fine! Super even. But they totally left out “Unitentionally hilarious.” I hate when things aren’t categorized correctly.
  3. I already wish this movie was a hip-hopera.
  4. Isn’t BAG just a cutie? He is because Lifetime told me his is! Hooray!
  5. Finding a baby on your step is totally a (surprise!) especially if you are a rocker…but not if you are a hair stylist. I hear that shit happens to those people all of the time.  Same with accountants.
  6. Holy shit I hope BAG is singing and dancing in this movie. He has to be right? I hope he isn’t too much of a rocker because I love hip-hopper BAG and hearing him cover Pantera would be unfortunate for everyone involved.
  7. Mom skips town, and Lifetime is just gleeful that dad is going to be the one dealing with diapers because men are the worst and they never do anything to help out with their progeny.
  8. Feminism?

Posted October 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm 23 notes

#Brian Austin Green#Important movies