My name is Courtney.
How was everyone’s Valentine’s Day? Was it filled with the magical romysticism that every Reese Witherspoon movie you’ve ever seen has taught you to expect? Did your significant other descend from the heavens on a chariot pulled by a rainbow unicorn and hand you a bouquet of red roses that had white roses interspersed to spell “FOREVER,” while signing an Adele song oh-so-charmingly out of tune? No? Yeah, me neither, but I did go to a hockey game, so that was cool. The Wild were playing the Mighty Assholes of Anaheim County, or whatever they are called, and truth be told, I watched very little of the actual hockey game. About 5 minutes into the first period I noticed that Kate Gosselin, circa 2007, was sitting 5 rows in front of me and she was super, SUPER, drunk. It was awesome. Here were some highlights from Drunk Kate Gosselin 2007:
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Her jeans did not fit, so when she stood up I got to see approximately 60% of her ass.
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She was not wearing underwear.
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She had a lower back tattoo (duh) of four Chinese characters. I assume it translated to something like “I want to suck Kid Rock’s cock.” POETRY!
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She had two beers in her hands at all times, which is pretty reasonable actually.
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I saw her spend $64 on Miller Lite.
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After standing up to cheer, she came down on the elderly man next to her on 2 occasions. I was genuinely worried she was going to break his hip. Thankfully someone switched seats with him before that happened.
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I took the above picture right after she had stood up, turned around, lifted both beers triumphantly over her head and implored our section to cheer louder by yelling, “C’mon you fuckers!” I gave her a standing ovation for that. Everyone else was less amused.
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About halfway through the third period she threatened to flash our section, I yelled “SIT DOWN KATE PLUS 8!” and then she flipped me off. I high fived the guy next to me and called it a night.
It was an above average Valentine’s Day.
